Week 4: Facepalm

You guys. I can’t.

Highlights and Lowlights (you decide which is which)

  • guys with wedding rings prominently displayed in their online dating profile pictures
  • guys who write “employ,” “owner of my companie,” and “Unemployed like Jesus” in the “occupation” space
  • guys who are CLEARLY much older than they claim to be
  • profile photos taken in public restrooms
    • when those happen and they’re NOT selfies
  • looking like you’re drunk and/or high in your profile photos
  • when guys post their names and “find me on facebook.” Am I supposed to actually do that? Isn’t that a little creepy?
  • when people you’ve messaged view your profile but don’t do anything further than that
    • I mean, I realize not responding is technically doing something but, come on. Take a few seconds to actually reject me
  • when 60+ year old men view your profile repeatedly and try to message you even after you’ve politely explained you’re not interested
  • guys who ask if you want to go out for a drink but stop talking to you when you ask their name
  • guys who answer your “what are you thoughts on premarital sex?” question with “I think an orgy is a disgusting thing” and continue the rest of their answers more graphically
  • remembering that you actually paid money for this

So, yeah. I’m considering making this my new profile photo.

2014-11-30 05.13.17

Fingers crossed for next week!

Week 3: Red Flags for Everyone!

I probably shouldn’tve complained about last week being boring in my world of online dating. Although, it HAS been interesting, so maybe I should complain more often?

First, my new favorite thing about online dating: guys who have clearly cropped their ex-girlfriends out of their profile pictures. For whatever reason, I find that hilarious. I mean, come on. It’s really not that hard to adjust the picture so it looks correct proportionally instead of an awkward rectangle. My favorite thus far has come from a guy on eHarmony who, it seems, couldn’t figure out how to digitally crop the photo and resize it so the right half of his profile picture is a white box.

There’s probably a better way I could’ve said all that. You know, so it doesn’t come off with me sounding like a jerk.

Second, here’s the list of things I learned this week in online dating. Enjoy!

  • I should maybe put “I’ve never had a boyfriend” somewhere in my profile, as it scared two guys this week when they found out. Apparently that’s a big red flag for some reason. One would think that a lack of relationship baggage would be appealing and not panic-inducing.
  • It is unfathomable to some that I’m choosing to only have sex with my husband after we’re married. For me, it isn’t just about following a rule, it’s my choice. As I explained to one would-be suitor this week, I’d rather share my bank account with someone I’m not married to than share my body. Money is not nearly as personal and sacred to me.
  • I need to clarify to some guys what I mean by “not having sex until I’m married.” I mean no version of sex until after I’m married. So, guy who told me he’s totally excited about waiting until he’s married before he has sex again (he explained he had made some bad choices before but he wanted to wait from now on), offering to show me your shrinky-dink once we’re officially dating is not going to be met with the reaction you’re expecting.
  • If a man cannot remember exactly how many times he’s been arrested, he is not the man for me. #redflag
    • Side note: the acceptable number of times being arrested for me is 0.
  • I need a man who is ambitious. Something I already knew but was definitely confirmed this week.
  • I’m decently easy to talk to and I catch on quickly to sarcasm. (When they say, “she has a great personality” about me, they’re not lying. 😉 )
    • Some people mistake this as a deep connection and then decide we’re soul mates. Oops.
  • I do not enjoy being asked how much I weigh. I especially do not enjoy having a man guess what my weight would/should be based upon my height. #redflag
    • It doesn’t make it better if you tell me that you’re just checking to make sure you “don’t break me in half if we have sex.” #redflag
    • Also, see aforementioned bullet points about sex.
    • This was the same guy who volunteered to show me his business. And this was after I had explained what “no sex before marriage” meant to me. #BIGFREAKINGREDFLAG

There’s probably a lot more, but the Giants-Cowboys game is about to start and there’s a nephew here to have a sleepover. I’ve decided he’s more worthy of my time than the, umm, gentlemen (?) I’ve talked to this week. Hoping next week is more positive (or at least as entertaining)!

Week 2

Ok. So. It’s Sunday. Time for an update on all things ridiculous in my online dating world.

 

 

…only, there’s nothing to really give an update about. I’ve browsed through hundreds of profiles (christianmingle.com keeps a counter of how many profiles you’ve seen, so I’m not exaggerating on that number). I am still horrified/baffled by the amount of people who choose to post profile photos of themselves with multiple guns (like, mostly hand guns and not at a shooting range, which I could understand. One guy had a giant rifle pointed at the ceiling in his house). Or the guys who look like maybe they just posted their most recent mug shot. Seriously, you’re not gonna smile when you’re trying to find a potential date?

Looking through profiles and reading guys’ responses makes me very, VERY aware of how much of a grammar snob I am. For example, a comma is not the same as a period. If you’re going to send me a message that says, “Hey,,,how was your day,,,want to chat,,,let me know,,,” I’m going to let you know that I’m not interested. And don’t even get me started on your vs you’re, it’s vs its, and abbreviating words that are already short (see: “u” for “you,” “r” for “are,” “2” for “two”). I just…I can’t even. No.

In an email with the subject line “arranged marriages for the technologically advanced,” I gave my login information for the two sites I’m on to my best friend (why yes, I *did* think I was amusing with that subject line – how could you tell?). The hope is that she’ll be able to help me find options that I wouldn’t normally look into. Plus, she’s already married with a child and another on the way, so it’s not like she’s gonna find someone awesome and keep him for herself. So thankful for people I can trust implicitly!

Oh, online dating pet peeve: if I send you a message and you take the time to look at my profile, either respond to the message or close the match. My homepage on both sites shows me the screen names and profiles of the guys who have looked at my profile. You don’t have to be interested in me (truthfully, I only need ONE of you) but don’t just let the message sit there. It’s like not having “0” as the number of unread messages in your inbox. Can. Not. Handle.

Hopefully this next week will prove to be more eventful. I’d rather have ridiculous things happen than nothing at all.

Week 1

A week or so ago, I announced to the internet (via Facebook) that I have joined the online dating world for the next few months. Since online dating could either be frustrating or hilarious, I’m going to choose to see it as hilarious and document it on this blog. These will just be quick, blunt bullet point entries and I’m totally willing to elaborate on things. Read it if you want, skip over it if you don’t.
Reflections from Online Dating: Week 1

– Holy CRAP there are a lot of middle-aged men with guns in their profile pictures on christianmingle.com! And most of the guys I’ve seen are divorced, have only completed high school, or both. Ideally, I’d find someone who hasn’t been married before and since education is a huge priority for me (and, you know, my job), bachelors degree, please.
– writing “I have a job” in the space allocated for your profession doesn’t actually convince me that you do.
– also, writing “I have no education” and then claiming to be a scientist or an engineer gives me the feeling that you maybe cook meth in a trailer.
– a guy from christianmingle who said he just wants to follow what Jesus says stopped talking to me after I said I was a virgin waiting til I got married to have sex.
– eHarmony had a deal for 3 months at a SUPER reduced price, so I joined that too, just to see. So far I’ve found some ridiculousness and a few cross-overs between sites.
– this week a man on eHarmony messaged me to ask if I was ready to “settle down and get married.” He likes Hillary Duff and looked like maybe he’d make a coat of my skin, if given the chance.
– if the age gap between me and you is big enough that you could be my father, I am going to reject your advances. Fair warning.

Overall Realization: I’m a lot prettier than I give myself credit for. I may be fat, but that’s AN adjective that describes me, not THE adjective. And all I’m actually looking for out of this experience is a date that helps balance out the last one I went on with an internet man.