Know what I realized today while Caleb and I were driving down Archer Road? Even if I got pregnant tomorrow, my nephew wouldn’t have a cousin around his age, which is something I really wanted for him and for our family.
I know I’m supposed to find contentment with where I’m at, but I can’t help but wonder why it seems so much easier for other people. We have these friends who are amazing, wonderful people who haven’t found their relationship yet and then there are people who seem like they sort of woke up one morning, decided they wanted someone and it happened. I can’t understand why it’s so easy for some but so impossible for others. I am a great person. I’m smart, witty, compassionate and decently pretty. I realize my weight doesn’t help anything, but fat people find love!
I go home every night to an empty house where I sleep in an empty bed, wondering how I got to be in this position of being 26 and single. It keeps me up at night, worried that I’m finally starting to recognize my value but that it’s too late and that I’ve missed my opportunity. That in my desperate attempt not to be seen for 26 years, I wasn’t. And that even though I want people to notice me now, I don’t know the right way to do that or know of anyone who would consider looking at me like that. I tried so hard to push forward, to not be one of “those girls” so obsessed with finding a husband that I put my life on pause while I waited that I wonder if I missed my window. And the bigger question than any of these is “if I did miss my window, can I honestly be ok with that?”
Katie tells me frequently that if I wanted to be married tomorrow, I could find someone to marry me. I could go to a club or show up in Korea one day with promises of a green card and snare a man into a loveless relationship if that was all I wanted. It just isn’t though. Not just because I want more than that, but because I deserve more than that.
I’ve said often that I feel bad for my husband to get stuck with me but the truth is, I’m pretty amazing.
He better get ready.