Applications and Submissions

My best friend is getting married on March 5th of this coming year. This means that in 4 months I’ll get to watch Mary and Damien stand at the alter and promise to love each other unconditionally, no matter how cranky they wake up in the morning or how poor they are or how thin their hair gets. And as the wedding planning gets more intense, I find myself once again longing for someone to plan a future with.

Mary has stated multiple times that her connection to Damien comes from her roommate, Erica, and that I should speak with Erica about finding me a man. I’ve done this and though she’s offered me not only a man, but a teaching job if I switch churches (I think she could find me the teaching job, but I don’t think the man is a standard handout at the Rock. If it was, I’m sure more single women would flock there), I love my church too much to leave. During our conversation tonight Mary mentioned that it would be great if you could just apply for a man like you apply for a job. I had initially rejected this idea because that would mean that I could be not called back or flat-out rejected like a job. As soon as I said this I realized how eerily similar these two concepts are and decided that I’d write up a resume to apply for a man. And, as an added bonus, I’ll also be creating an “Applicants Wanted” posting on here, should any candidates be reading this.

Wife Resume

Contact information
Respond to this posting or see any member of the Committee to Find Kyla a Husband

To gain a full-time position as wife to a man of many talents.

Past experience
None, though coming in without excess baggage from past relationships couldn’t possibly be considered a bad thing.

Classical education provided by the University of Florida (BA in Religion, minor in Education). Practical education provided by grace, mercy and observation.

Wife Skills
Proficient in cooking/baking, especially for large groups of people. Adept hostess and party-planner. Actually enjoys doing laundry and washing dishes.

Maternal Skills
Biological and Adopted Aunt to dozens of children nationally for the last 5+ years. Caretaker to countless children through babysitting, Sunday school teaching and tutoring, charged with providing edification and love to each child individually.

P. Mike – Senior Pastor, First Assembly (I’m assuming he’d vouch for me.)
Mary S. – Best friend, 9 years and counting
Nancy G. – Friend and mentor

Call for Submissions
Wanted: one man who puts God first, people second and himself third. Must love children and be good with money. Needs to be a strong leader willing to deal daily with a stubborn woman who will submit when under good leadership. Should fluently understand and respond to multiple love languages, specifically those easily recognized by the poster of this ad. Musical talent (especially guitar playing) preferred, though not required. Pets o.k. For additional details, respond to this posting.